Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
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“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*