one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing