The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?