Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
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I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
the Monday after daylight savings
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
🤣🤣
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.