I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.