Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I can also cook 😂
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
mom gave me mine for free
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My new favorite headline
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.