Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I have never related to anyone more.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no