I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
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Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
🐕🍷
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*