Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
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you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
This raises questions
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)