What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
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Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Attacked by a mop.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
If you know, you know
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
guilty
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.