[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up