me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
this is literally a CIA plant
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.