Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
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Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.