I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
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Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.