The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I never needed anything more in my life
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day