the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
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ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no