You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*