The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
British websites use biscuits.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.