As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers