best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.