The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”