The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Does it…does it take 3 days
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!