Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
You Might Also Like
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Bootstraps
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.