me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
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HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
plums roundup
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.