idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume