If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
So we got a goldfish…
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I falcon love using swear birds
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?