[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
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how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”