[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct