Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
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Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I have so many questions.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not