What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
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unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I love you…
…r dog.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius