“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Catering service
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo