I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
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With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
#parenting
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money