You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
You Might Also Like
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
doing some research
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”