I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
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Google Pay be like:
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
the three branches of government
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
mom gave me mine for free
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!