Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
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Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
technically true but not a great slogan
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
it’s finally my moment to shine