Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
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[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.