If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous