I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Perfect.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.