I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
March 16
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk