friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.