Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now