I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I’d hang this in my house.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.