You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
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Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa