when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died