Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.