Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know