College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Oh my God.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”