Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
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Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Mornin
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Somebody’s lying.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.