Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.