Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
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Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
hey, alexa
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
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